For the last 17 years I have has the privilege of watching over my mother and her health. She has had three different types of cancers over the last 17 years. My mother survived breast cancer, two malignant tumors in her brain, and a cancerous lymphoid in her neck. She is a survivor and has always done it with a smile on her face. This time though it’s different.

Last Monday my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and this time I know in my heart that she is not going to make it. I try to stay strong for my children, my siblings, my mother and everyone who know me. But its taking a toll on me...I never thought of my life without my mother.

Everything I am and who I believe I am is a result of her strength, love and presence in my life. She has been more of a friend than a mother since I was 17. It hurts for me to see her weak and beaten. When I think of her, I recount our lives together. I remember the good times, the bad times; I also have come to acknowledge the pain of knowing I cannot do anything to prevent her from dying.

I always thought there would be more time, more hugs and a lot more good times ahead for us. Instead I cry when I am alone, smile in the presence of people and am that rock in which my family has expected me to be.

Since her diagnosis I find myself feeling selfish for asking for help from my siblings and leaning on my boyfriend for support. These feelings will pass as time goes on but I still need to acknowledge that they are there. During these times I just want to curl up in the bed and be hugged.